Undercover Nerd

I need a change of scenery. I’m getting a bit tired of my lifestyle. I’m actually craving the city. Beach life is good but I feel like I’m constantly on vacation and can’t dress as nice because I’ll get sandy just by walking outside. I miss Bremerton, Silverdale, and Seattle. I want to be near snow-capped mountains again. Be surrounded by trees and breathe the crisp, clean air. And drive on hills, because everything here is flat.

I feel like one of these days, my fantasizing will get me in trouble. I wish I had more than one lifetime so I could experience it all. One life to be spent contently settled down, the other life to roam free. In fact I wish I could be two people at once; one side of me wants to rip away from my current lifestyle and do what makes me happy, the other side is bound by duty and responsibilities. I just wish to be loved in a way that makes me feel free.

Lately I feel like I could really die of loneliness.

I should just be by myself and enjoy being single. I’m so satisfied with the friends that are surrounding me. So satisfied with my life. Why should I be in a relationship? They never last. Eventually it’ll just crumble and my feelings will be crushed. Then I have to condition myself all over again to be happy without him. What a fuckin’ waste. I don’t want to attach myself to someone when the future is bleak. Nothing ever lasts.

*From my old blog. Woah I used to be so anti-love.

This past week I’ve been having nightmares about a couple people from the past. Its horrible to say but I think if this one particular person left the earth, I think the world would be a better place. I’m such a bad person for thinking it, but I’m sure everybody has that one person that just completely did you wrong and would have no regrets in watching them die. I sound like a total psychopath now. But these nightmares bring up people that don’t cross my mind otherwise. I’ve consciously forgot about them, so why am I still dreaming of them? So annoying. I hope tonight is a dreamless sleep.

With all the cons of being the new kid in town, there are some good things that came with it too. Of those, it includes getting to put up a facade that I’m all nice and innocent. Little do they know that behind closed doors, I’m a crazy b*tch. Well… I wouldn’t take it that far. But I definitely keep my private life under wraps. For now anyway. Nobody knows me here, and I don’t know anyone. Its difficult to find someone who 1) listens, 2) understands, and 3) doesn’t gossip about everything you’ve just told them. And if I find that someone, we usually have nothing in common.

Fin.

Haven’t had sex in ages. Haven’t even shaved my legs in like a week or two… if I remember correctly. I’m just too damn busy with life. Fuck it. No pun intended.

Minsan ini-isip ko… na sana hindi nalang ako nagpakasal. Sana masmadali pa ang buhay ko. Palagi ko makikisama ang mga nuno ko. At si nanay ko. Walang problema. Ayoko na tumira dito, gusto ko na umuwi. Gusto ko makisama ulit ang pamilya ko. Nalu-lungkot na ako talaga dito. Palagi nalang ako nag-iisa, palagi nalang umi-iyak. Pagud na ako.

Being out here with no family, and friends that I only see once every 8 weeks has really changed me. I have so much time alone, so much time to analyze myself. It sucks having no friends that I can call and JUST CHILL with. But whatever, I’ve gotten accustomed to being by myself. So much so that Dustin gets irritated with how I am when he’s home. I stay on my phone, or in my book, or in a corner sitting in silence. But that’s what I’m used to nowadays. I go to work, I come home, I immerse myself in my hobbies, then go to bed and repeat the same thing.

I have a couple girls in town that I could call and get coffee or something, but I honestly like it better when I’m alone. I hate forcing myself to entertain someone and making sure I don’t bore them. I want an effortless friendship. I’ve clicked with a few people here and there, but there’s really no better feeling than friendships of familiarity. I hate getting to know someone. I just want to have inside jokes from the get-go and be chill as f*ck, and say stupid things that only we think is funny. I want a second home where I can come over and rummage through their food. I’m looking for a friendship that’s already established. But I won’t get that in Panama City Beach, that much I know. I left all my best friends in Bremerton, Silverdale, and Seattle. Damn… I love Florida so much, but this sh*t gets lonely when all I do is work and come home.

We’re not “trying”, we’re just curious if we are even able to have kids. I’ve been off birth control for months and as many “accidents” as we’ve had I feel like I should’ve gotten pregnant by now. For a few years I’ve been suspecting that I’m barren. I’ve abused my body in the past so I wouldn’t doubt it. But I’m hoping that’s not the case. I don’t know what I would do with myself if I found out I can’t bear children.

In the middle of nowhere, with fuzzy radio reception and no cellphone service to get Pandora going. Of course we start talking. And I can’t remember how long its been since we had a heart to heart. But today he revealed old secrets to me, and I reciprocated with some of my own.

It’s shocking how little you actually know about someone, even somebody you’re married to. I guess some things are best kept to yourself, especially the past. But that’s not what we did today. Today, we made ourselves vulnerable and trusted each other enough to talk about some difficult topics.

Currently my husband is freaking out he’ll get medically discharged from the military. His hearing in one ear is already bad, and the other ear was damaged during range practice yesterday. Supposedly he can be kicked out without disability because the military makes sure everyone wears ear protection. Frankly I think he is just panicking. If he were to get discharged it doesn’t just happen in one day. Plus he’d have to go through a medical board and file a ton of paperwork. And It’s a load of bull that the military would do him dirty like that after all the sacrifices he’s made for his country. It would be like discharging someone because suddenly their eye sight got worse.

For the moment, I’ll be contemplating all the possibilities our future could have (just in case). I’ve gotten way past the point of worrying. The way I see it, even if you get knocked down in life you can always get back up. If he does get medically discharged, which I highly doubt will happen, there are still so many solutions.

If this does happen, we’d be losing a huge part of our income because he is the bread winner. We’d have to move out of our house to an apartment, sell our vehicles, find full-time jobs, and I probably would have to pause on my plans for school. No more internet and cable, can’t keep our pet, forget having cell phones, and eat on a low budget.

But it wouldn’t be that bad. When you grow up poor, shit like this doesn’t phase you. I’ve had far worse days in my childhood than losing a few material possessions and having to live simply. It may feel like the end of the world when you’re about to lose everything, but it would be the most humbling and freeing experience. When we’re dead, we don’t get to keep any of these worldly things anyway. As long as I get to live life with the ones I love, I’ll never have any regrets.