Coming back from Seattle to here made me realize how utterly lonely I am. I have a husband who barely knows I’m alive when the xbox comes on… which is all the time, no social life, and no hobbies. Can I go back to Washington now?
Can I just say how sex is awkward while you’re pregnant? Like you have this big round belly and its always in the way. And I don’t even know how my husband does it. I would burst out in giggles if I had to have sex with me.
Feeling Emma kick in the middle of a bad day is just a reminder to keep smiling because I’m not alone. I’ve never felt so content with my life. I have a purpose. Right now it’s to make sure my unborn child grows healthy. Later on it will be to help raise a decent human being. I’m 23 weeks pregnant with the greatest blessing of my life.
F*ck I’m never drinking again… ha, thats what everyone always says. But seriously, I’m never drinking that much ever again! I threw away my self control and let my guard down, something that hasn’t happened since I moved here. Maybe it was the people I was with, but I was really feelin’ it that night. I didn’t want to be a prude person so I drank way over my limit.
I ended up wasting my entire Sunday being hungover when I could’ve been doing something fun or productive. I woke up still drunk and vomited so hard that some vile juices came out through my nose. And towards the end, I was just vomiting blood. Now that shit was scary. But there’s a lesson to be learned from this, and that is to treat my body nicer.
I don’t think I’ll drink hardcore again for a while. I have more fun when I’m sober anyway.
I need a change of scenery. I’m getting a bit tired of my lifestyle. I’m actually craving the city. Beach life is good but I feel like I’m constantly on vacation and can’t dress as nice because I’ll get sandy just by walking outside. I miss Bremerton, Silverdale, and Seattle. I want to be near snow-capped mountains again. Be surrounded by trees and breathe the crisp, clean air. And drive on hills, because everything here is flat.
I feel like one of these days, my fantasizing will get me in trouble. I wish I had more than one lifetime so I could experience it all. One life to be spent contently settled down, the other life to roam free. In fact I wish I could be two people at once; one side of me wants to rip away from my current lifestyle and do what makes me happy, the other side is bound by duty and responsibilities. I just wish to be loved in a way that makes me feel free.
I should just be by myself and enjoy being single. I’m so satisfied with the friends that are surrounding me. So satisfied with my life. Why should I be in a relationship? They never last. Eventually it’ll just crumble and my feelings will be crushed. Then I have to condition myself all over again to be happy without him. What a fuckin’ waste. I don’t want to attach myself to someone when the future is bleak. Nothing ever lasts.
*From my old blog. Woah I used to be so anti-love.
This past week I’ve been having nightmares about a couple people from the past. Its horrible to say but I think if this one particular person left the earth, I think the world would be a better place. I’m such a bad person for thinking it, but I’m sure everybody has that one person that just completely did you wrong and would have no regrets in watching them die. I sound like a total psychopath now. But these nightmares bring up people that don’t cross my mind otherwise. I’ve consciously forgot about them, so why am I still dreaming of them? So annoying. I hope tonight is a dreamless sleep.
With all the cons of being the new kid in town, there are some good things that came with it too. Of those, it includes getting to put up a facade that I’m all nice and innocent. Little do they know that behind closed doors, I’m a crazy b*tch. Well… I wouldn’t take it that far. But I definitely keep my private life under wraps. For now anyway. Nobody knows me here, and I don’t know anyone. Its difficult to find someone who 1) listens, 2) understands, and 3) doesn’t gossip about everything you’ve just told them. And if I find that someone, we usually have nothing in common.
Haven’t had sex in ages. Haven’t even shaved my legs in like a week or two… if I remember correctly. I’m just too damn busy with life. Fuck it. No pun intended.
Confessions in my native tongue
Minsan ini-isip ko… na sana hindi nalang ako nagpakasal. Sana masmadali pa ang buhay ko. Palagi ko makikisama ang mga nuno ko. At si nanay ko. Walang problema. Ayoko na tumira dito, gusto ko na umuwi. Gusto ko makisama ulit ang pamilya ko. Nalu-lungkot na ako talaga dito. Palagi nalang ako nag-iisa, palagi nalang umi-iyak. Pagud na ako.
Being out here with no family, and friends that I only see once every 8 weeks has really changed me. I have so much time alone, so much time to analyze myself. It sucks having no friends that I can call and JUST CHILL with. But whatever, I’ve gotten accustomed to being by myself. So much so that Dustin gets irritated with how I am when he’s home. I stay on my phone, or in my book, or in a corner sitting in silence. But that’s what I’m used to nowadays. I go to work, I come home, I immerse myself in my hobbies, then go to bed and repeat the same thing.
I have a couple girls in town that I could call and get coffee or something, but I honestly like it better when I’m alone. I hate forcing myself to entertain someone and making sure I don’t bore them. I want an effortless friendship. I’ve clicked with a few people here and there, but there’s really no better feeling than friendships of familiarity. I hate getting to know someone. I just want to have inside jokes from the get-go and be chill as f*ck, and say stupid things that only we think is funny. I want a second home where I can come over and rummage through their food. I’m looking for a friendship that’s already established. But I won’t get that in Panama City Beach, that much I know. I left all my best friends in Bremerton, Silverdale, and Seattle. Damn… I love Florida so much, but this sh*t gets lonely when all I do is work and come home.